The secret to being liked by people is to serve them a lot of alcohol. The drunker people get, the more they will like you.
I DEMAND that people like me. That is why I am so beloved by my countrymen.
I enjoy old cowboy movies, but one thing I don't understand is why, when a cowboy is being dragged around by another cowboy on a horse, why doesn't the first cowboy amuse himself by counting the cactus or something.
The reason I still live after so man assassination attempts must be my hat.
Once, my friend and I were lost in the desert. When my friend died, the vultures came down to feast. Was it wrong of me not to let them eat until they had shown me the way out of the desert?
Promises are made to be broken. I think Chamberlain learned that the hard way.
When I drive, I always have a fake skeleton in the seat next to me. That way, when I drive around with a real one, no one believes it.
I once fell asleep inside a hollow log out in the woods. If only my bed were as comfortable.
Can somebody please tell me if Karl Marx and Groucho are related?
I hang a bag of blood just outside my bedroom to keep the mosquitos away.
Saturday, April 28, 2012
Monday, April 9, 2012
A World Without War...
I can imagine a world without war... a world without hate... and then I can imagine myself conquering that world.
Sometimes I think I'm having a good idea, but then I think it just might be those tiny insect eggs hatching inside my brain.
Whenever I'm listening to Wagner, it's like he's in the room listening with me. That's why I don't like listening to Wagner.
What is it about a beautiful morning that makes me want to kill something?
I have just invented The Death Window. If there is someone I am unhappy with, I just tell them to open the window for me, and then I push them out. I guess that's just like a regular window, except I invented it.
If I lived in the Middle Ages, I would have stabbed an enemy to death with my sword before he had a chance to put on his armor.
If your child ever makes mud pies, make him eat them. Every one.
When I conquer the world, I hope I'm not mean to people... like I am now.
When I found the dead body with the bullet hole in it's head, at first I was going to call the police, but then I remembered it was me who shot him.
I remember once, when I was a boy, I got stung by a swarm of bees. It was the kindly village idiot who sucked all the poison out. He was a good man, for an idiot. Just a terrible judge of where the bees had actually stung me.
Sometimes I think I'm having a good idea, but then I think it just might be those tiny insect eggs hatching inside my brain.
Whenever I'm listening to Wagner, it's like he's in the room listening with me. That's why I don't like listening to Wagner.
What is it about a beautiful morning that makes me want to kill something?
I have just invented The Death Window. If there is someone I am unhappy with, I just tell them to open the window for me, and then I push them out. I guess that's just like a regular window, except I invented it.
If I lived in the Middle Ages, I would have stabbed an enemy to death with my sword before he had a chance to put on his armor.
If your child ever makes mud pies, make him eat them. Every one.
When I conquer the world, I hope I'm not mean to people... like I am now.
When I found the dead body with the bullet hole in it's head, at first I was going to call the police, but then I remembered it was me who shot him.
I remember once, when I was a boy, I got stung by a swarm of bees. It was the kindly village idiot who sucked all the poison out. He was a good man, for an idiot. Just a terrible judge of where the bees had actually stung me.
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